Mental Health Tips

Mindfulness: When to pause

5/3/2020

Photo by Torsten Dederichs on Unsplash

What do I do? This is a common thought in my mind and a common question brought to therapy. This may be something many of us are wondering in light of the global pandemic and how significantly life has changed in such a short period of time. Oddly enough, in therapy there are times we offer paradoxical solutions. Sometimes, instead of coming up with anything too quickly, we pause.

The “pause” solution can be frustrating to the mind and the logical problem-solver that inhabits some of the loudest and most demanding neurons in the brain. It can seem counter-intuitive to sit still in the midst of demanding circumstances or challenging feelings. We spend lifetimes coming up with more and more elaborate ways to distract and avoid the pause. Have you ever thought

about why that is? Why the pause can seem so worrisome or threatening? I'm not claiming to have an answer to those questions, just hoping to evoke some curiosity.

BTW, if you’ve ever stopped what you are doing

The “pause” solution can be frustrating to the mind... It can seem counter-intuitive to sit still in the midst of demanding circumstances

mid-stream due to some type of overwhelm and taken a deep breath you have likely utilized the pause.

In this post I’ll share some information about when and why therapists recommend mindful pausing and how to go about doing so.

The holocaust survivor and author of “Man’s Search for Meaning” Viktor Frankl stated in his writing; “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power.” Another way to state this is; between what happens to us and what we do about what happens to us is an opportunity to pause, and if we can pause in that space we can regain power over our responses to things. Frankl's quote is used to explain the value

between what happens to us and what we do about what happens to us is an opportunity to pause

of slowing down as a tool to help us out of destructive and habitual behaviors, thought patterns, and automatic responses. It can be a common experience to find ourselves doing or saying things we regret and afterwards

wondering how we even got to that point in the first place. In fact, this is so common we have a name for the experience: autopilot.

A few examples of common autopilot behaviors might be: we have every intention of being more kind to our partner or children or to avoid the midnight snack or steer clear of the liquor store, but we slip up so quickly and entirely it’s almost like being blind-sided. Similar to when we drive from one location to another with other things on our mind and then arrive wondering how we got there or realize we don’t recall many details of the actual trip, we can find ourselves doing things we set out to avoid or things we promised ourselves we wouldn’t do. Often waking up to our own awareness after the fact and when it is too late for behavior change. Practicing pausing can be an exit from habitual and patterned behavior cycles.

The nature of the mind is to create shortcuts to free up precious cognitive space for other things, in other words the mind is always trying to convert behaviors

Practicing pausing can be an exit from habitual and patterned behavior cycles

into autopilot responses for efficiency's sake. Even destructive behaviors get this treatment. This is why we can want out of our negative or harmful patterns desperately and also have the experience that all our wiring and programing is working against that effort. So why do we pause in therapy?

We pause to step out of auto-pilot. Without some break in the cycle there’s no way out. Likewise if we aren’t even aware there is a pattern or cycle happening the likelihood of escaping is diminished. Pausing between what happens and what we do about what happens provides the exit from old, unwanted behaviors toward new, more desirable behaviors.
We pause to consider other options. During a pause I like to remind myself of the word "expand" as a reminder to expand the potential options I might be considering. This can also be a reminder to think about long-term consequences instead of just the immediate pressures or frustrations. I can think about myself a day from now or a year from now and put current situations in better perspective. I can also allow my creativity to come up with a variety of choices instead of the one option my autopilot response may have zeroed in on.
We pause because practicing the pause over and over again rewires the brain to consider pausing as an option. Pausing and finding a way out of old, habitual patterns can be challenging even if these concepts make perfect sense. Practicing the pause throughout the day in a variety of situations can be useful in creating a new habit of remembering to pause before other more problematic behaviors. You can practice pausing before reading a new email each time and take one deep mindful breath, you can practice pausing whenever the phone rings or a text comes in and take a deep mindful breath, or you can pick any semi-regular occurring event and use it as a touchstone to remind yourself to practice the pause briefly each time it occurs. This will prime the mind to consider pausing in other more stressful situations.
We pause to make space for other answers, possibilities, and creativity that might exist just beyond the impulsive reactions. When we are triggered by a stressful or problematic event our best thinking usually happens later and pausing allows some time and space for this more enlightened thinking to show up. You can practice coming up with new and creative possibilities by imaging all sorts of different scenarios, even if what you are imagining is far fetched.

Tip: If road rage is a problem and you find yourself thinking or vocalizing how inconsiderate and thoughtless the driver who cuts you off in traffic is, you can practice imagining all sorts of scenarios like, “they are late for an important surprise party for a friend, or they’ve been inhabited by aliens from another planet who aren’t entirely familiar with the rules of the road yet on earth.” These are intentionally silly in nature but can provide flexible mental content that could assist in shifting thoughts from autopilot responses to considering other options.

So, what are the benefits of pausing?

If autopilot gives us one solution to our situation that must be rigidly adhered to no matter what, pausing mindfully provides the opportunity to consider many different options and engage flexibly with a chosen response. We can learn how to lean into our

pausing mindfully provides the opportunity to consider many different options and engage flexibly with a chosen response

experiences, thoughts, and feelings instead of resisting or struggling with them or seeking compulsively to avoid them.

Why is pausing challenging?

Pausing can allow things we’ve been running away from to catch up, which can be intimidating and scary, but it can also be an opportunity to learn we are capable of withstanding the things we’ve been worried about. We get to challenge the thoughts we may have that tell us we can’t face something. Having a therapist along for this part of the experience can be useful at first especially if what we’ve been distracting from is traumatic in nature.

How can pausing benefit my mental health?

Obsessive thoughts, rumination on the past, anxious thought loops, and prolonged stress responses can all be reduced through mindful attention and learning how to pause more effectively. This can take place with a trained mental health professional who can assist you in learning how to pause in the moment, what to notice while you are pausing, and how to handle distressing thoughts and sensations during a pause.

If you would like to explore mindfulness and learn how to practice pausing more effectively or more often for mental health benefits please contact me. More information can be found on my website: www.andrewtaegel.com or you can reach me by phone at: (573) 544-0303. I am offering both in-person and telehealth online therapy options currently.

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Sheltering in place

4/21/2020

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As a professional counselor I often work with people who’s lives have been put on hold because of tragedy and abrupt life changes. I recognize some of the symptoms we are all experiencing in light of this global pandemic and have some suggestions about finding the value in seeking shelter currently as well as finding a way forward eventually.

In so many ways what we are experiencing now in relation to the COVID-19 virus is unprecedented and unfamiliar. For that reason many may be experiencing challenges coping as the entire world seems to be stunned or scrambling to regain some sense of normalcy and control. And while I’ve done plenty of reflecting on how this is unprecedented and I’ve listened to and validated the experiences of so many other people who are confused and caught off guard by the state of the world right now, I can’t help but think that we’ve been here before in some important and potentially useful ways.

One strategy often employed in counseling is to ask if a current experience or set of feelings reminds us of anything from our past. Interestingly, recognition often occurs even in what seem to be the most novel circumstances. That awareness can be a

the entire world seems to be stunned or scrambling to regain some sense of normalcy and control

powerful tool in unlocking lessons from past experiences and hearing our internal guidance begin to suggest potential paths forward. So, while this is a brand new experience in terms of the pandemic, I also recognize what’s happening from what I’ve seen and experienced before. Here are a couple questions that may prompt your own awareness around what is happening:

Have you had other experiences in your life when everything changed in a matter of a few short days or hours?
Has "business as usual" ever been severely interrupted through a loss of a job, relationship, or the death of someone close to you?

If so, you may have spent some time in the aftermath of that experience "sheltering in place". Seeking shelter in the form of a short-term retreat from normal everyday life can be an important stage in coping with jarring events. With the country and the world

Seeking shelter in the form of a short-term retreat from normal everyday life can be an important stage in coping with jarring events

attempting to seek safety in the midst of a pandemic this might be a good time to reflect on the value of sheltering ourselves in moments like these.

Here are a few reasons why it might make sense to shelter in place following a jarring life experience:

We shelter in place to protect ourselves. As we pause and step back from our "business as usual" approach to living we seek out protection and safety for the ones we care most about and for ourselves. We stay put to stay safe. While the "freeze" response to fear gets a bad rap sometimes, it can also be very valuable if there is actually a current threat and we are not sure how to proceed. When a threat is large and ambiguous it might be appropriate to pause initially and take other protective steps.
We shelter in place to protect others. We minimize the risk through minimizing our contact with other people for a period of time when we may be putting ourselves or others at risk. A time away from our normal interactions can help to avoid engaging with others in a reactive or reckless manner that can often happen initially when fear spikes. We all have our thoughts, feelings, and reactions about what is happening in the world now and there is a lot of noise and confusion surrounding what to do next and how to do it. Rushing into action too soon can risk behavior that is unwanted and unhelpful.
We shelter in place to take stock of our priorities, resources, and values. When we pause we unleash the power to contact what is around us more saliently and this awareness can lead to a readjustment or realignment with what truly matters. We can also adjust our behavior to align with what we value. We

can adjust our budget, our routines,
and our goals accordingly and
prepare to begin again after the
crisis passes. Pausing to determine
personal values can be a useful
task while sheltering in place and
these values can assist once we
transition mindfully into the next
phase; moving forward. When we

Asking 'what is it I care deeply about' instead of trying to ignore or eliminate the feelings can assist in clarifying personal values

experience fear, sadness, or anger it is often in relation to something we
care deeply about. Asking 'what is it I care deeply about' instead of trying to ignore
or eliminate the feelings can assist in clarifying personal values.

(Bonus Option) We can use our time sheltering in place to step out of the expert role for a while. Not knowing can be terrifying and unsettling but it is often the state we find ourselves in during crisis. While we long for understanding over the events in our lives and how the world around us operates, it can be exhausting to maintain the

Leaving the expert role behind can be scary but can offer a sense of relief

appearance of the expert to everyone at all times. Leaving the expert role behind can be scary but can offer a sense of relief in the absence of prolonged pressure to know it all. A trained counselor is familiar

with stepping out of the expert role regularly in order to listen to others more effectively and can also assist others in learning how to leave behind the expert role for a while to contact relief and acceptance.

**Fun Fact: Real life experts actually follow a curve of development explained by the Dunning-Kruger effect which highlights that confidence in our own understanding diminishes as we learn more about anything because we realize how little we will ever know about significant subjects no matter how much time we invest in learning. *Research Dunning-Kruger Effect for more information*

Because we’ve been sheltering in place for a while now some of us are anxious to get back, some of us are cautious about going back, and some are still completely confused about what it might mean to return to engaging with the world. All of these reactions are common when attempting to rebound from jarring life experiences. Regardless of how we find our way through this current jarring event one thing is true; this particular crisis will eventually pass and we will begin again in some form after sheltering in place concludes.

It is possible to get stuck for longer than necessary in the shelter in place reaction to crisis and it may be worth a conversation (and another post to come) about how to move forward again once it’s safe to do so. For now, we may choose to pause and determine the value and utility of sheltering in place since so many of us have been asked to do so.

If aspects of your life have been put on hold by a jarring experience and you are hoping to clarify your personal values, find support while sheltering in place, or would like to clarify the meaning of the experience and how it might be impacting you, I’m here to help. You can find more information about me through my website: www.andrewtaegel.com or reach out by phone: (573) 544-0303.

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Mindfulness: When to pause

Sheltering in place

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