Divorce is unique for men, and your experiences of divorce tend to get less press, less acknowledgement, and less support than the experiences of the opposite sex. A common belief exists that divorce affects men less than it does women, but plenty divorced men know that to be false. In fact, recent research is starting to show that divorce affects men just as much as it affects women, only in different ways. Rather than support beliefs that men get over divorce faster than women, research is also showing that both men and women tend to oscillate between positive and negative emotions, and between feelings of hope and despair for some time following divorce.
A harsh reality divorced men face...
A divorce can send a man into an internal tailspin of confusion as so much of their identity and worth can be connected to maintaining and supporting a family. Men often feel pressure to charge through feelings and “fix” whatever needs fixing. A shattered home can be the unfixable problem that men struggle to know what to do about. While the chaos often takes place inside, men experience an added pressure to soldier through and still perform like nothing’s wrong. Men often take on the role of problem solver at home, at work, and everywhere in between, placing importance on “doing” instead of feeling. In fact one of the primary reasons a divorce can be so challenging for men is they are often asking themselves,
So, how do you hold up the world while it’s falling apart around you?
Here are a few tips if you find yourself trying to do exactly that: 1. Seek Assistance It's understandable that this may not be where you want to start. As a man, seeking assistance can seem the same as admitting defeat or stopping to ask for directions. While it may be very challenging to seek assistance, consider the following reframe of your effort to do so. Look at it as leaning on your combat battalion for support through a tough mission or depending on your teammates during a difficult game time situation. It's important to band together with the right people to accomplish difficult tasks. You can employ the same team strategy here. Find trustworthy people and create your “band of brothers.” A men’s group or other support group can be helpful if members agree to provide safety and support to one another and respect the work done in the room enough to keep things private.
2. Keep Moving: This one will come a little more naturally for a lot of men. Complacency can be a difficult pit to find yourself in. While the shock of divorce can leave you reeling and disoriented, finding a way to keep moving forward through life can be important. Everyone has responsibilities such as work, children, and other personal and professional commitments. It can be tempting to shy away from life and “call in sick” in the midst of divorce. While an occasional off day is great for self-care and being honest about your struggle, taking too much time off from life can keep you stuck. Make a list of your top three or four priorities and make sure you have a plan to connect with those priorities regularly throughout the week. You are on a critical mission here to maintain connection with the things that mean the most to you. If three to four things are overwhelming give your self one non-negotiable such as time with the kids and no matter what else you might need to compromise on, make that thing happen. 3. Ask Questions When going through a divorce it can be common to make a lot of assumptions that magnify feelings of fear or cause problems. One example is assuming the courts automatically side with mothers and seek to give them more custody rights (not true). By asking questions it is possible to get a lot of good tips you may not have otherwise considered, such as not speaking poorly of the other parent even if your interactions are challenging. It puts your child in a lose-lose situation since they either have to agree with you and think poorly of one parent or disagree with you and think poorly of you. Either way it isn’t something fair for a child to experience. Finding others who have experienced what you’re going through, taking classes, or seeking other forms of professional help can be a way to get helpful tips on what to do. In the middle of a divorce people usually aren’t at their best and emotions can run high. One way to maintain sanity during a chaotic experience is to get answers to questions and trust the perspective of those who have also been divorced but are further down the path. It also makes sense to seek out those who travel the path often with others such as therapists or lawyers.
thrive on knowing their purpose in life and identifying something important can be a great way to keep you moving forward. This allows you to take steps to reclaim your life after divorce.
Who are you now that this relationship has ended? What will matter to you from this point forward? What goals will you decide to pursue? If you’ve thought about running a marathon, hiking the Appalachian trail, learning something new, or beginning a project this can be a great time to set out on an adventure as long as you connect it to personal meaning. Maybe setting out to hike a trail represents connecting with your solitude and will to persist even when things are challenging. 5. Find a Safe Space to Feel Bad Just because men often don’t like to show their emotional selves to others doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t there. You may be trained and skilled in diverting your attention from emotion, suppressing emotion, or denying your feelings all together, but too much avoidance of emotion can actually intensify the experience. Emotion can come out in some unhealthy ways when the pressure starts to build. I would encourage you to find a safe space, somewhere you can be alone or with a trusted friend or therapist to feel all the rough emotions.
such as a therapist can be an enormous help, especially if you aren’t used to feeling sad or knowing what to do about feeling that way.
Divorce is Difficult, But You Aren't Alone It can be challenging to know if what you are going through is sadness or something more persistent such as depression. For more info on depression check out: 5 Things to Understand if you’re Dealing with Depression, or: 5 Tips for Building Resilience if you have Depression. As an additional resource you might try reading: I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression.
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Depression at it’s worst can look like giving up again and again. When things get challenging the depressed mind can magnify that struggle and determine “it will always be this bad” or decide the requirements of living are “too much.” As much as a depressed person may want to get out of bed in the morning, remaining under the covers hidden from the rest of the world may be the choice they make again and again.
How do you know if you’re experiencing depression? Here are a few of the ways depression can manifest itself.
fears, self-doubt, and discomfort are all involved in the process of trying something new or pursuing something meaningful in life. In short, if we set out to drive toward a meaningful destination these are the passengers we will take with us on the bus.
A common misconception about internal struggles The common misconception is that conquering or vanquishing the self-doubt, fear, and discomfort has to come before we are able to move toward what we value, when actually the closer we get to things we value, the louder these passengers tend to become and the more we experience self-doubt, fear, and discomfort. With this understanding it might make sense to employ another strategy; to learn to have these feelings, as challenging as they truly are to have, so they don’t take control or determine where we ultimately end up. Learning to have these unpleasant feelings without allowing them to dictate where you go and what you do is what I mean by resiliency. The more we can tolerate the things that show up internally and cause us discomfort or distress, the less they get to dictate our behavior. So how do we increase our resiliency? Here are a few tips to begin to practice the skills necessary to incorporate more resilience in the face of depression. 1. Clarify the “what” and the “why” behind goals you set. It’s very common to set out toward a particular goal and emphasize figuring out the specific ways you might achieve it, the “how.” While planning is important and valuable, connecting goals with values - the reasons “why” you are pursuing a particular goal - can solidify your motivation and give you purpose during the inevitable moments when you struggle or hit a setback. The truth is none of us are perfect as much as we may aspire to be, but if we behave in service of our values the outcome tends to matter less than finding the right motivation behind what we do. Take a moment to ask yourself what you’d like to accomplish? Ask yourself why accomplishing this goal is important to you personally? What values do you connect with pursuing this goal?
and wish to begin dating you are guaranteed to meet with the discomfort and downright pain of rejection. They’re part of the deal. Choosing to avoid discomfort often comes at the price of not pursuing the things that matter (like relationships). The good news is the more often we practice feeling uncomfortable the better we get at it and the easier it is to do the challenging things.
You can practice feeling uncomfortable at any time, but a trained mental health professional can provide guidance on how to practice this in effective ways. One of the things Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does well is assist you in feeling better not feeling better, meaning we build skills that allow us to feel discomfort and tune in rather than needing to run away or force out what we may find unpleasant.
3. Make a list and set a deadline.
Another tip for building resiliency is getting used to accomplishing goals you set for yourself regardless of what may come up along the way. While we cannot always reach the goals we set for ourselves in exactly the ways we would like or in the exact timeframe we wish to accomplish them, practicing setting deadlines and striving to achieve a set goal can be a way to learn habits and skills you wouldn’t otherwise have the experience to foster. As you continue toward a specific goal with a timeline in mind and strive to get things accomplished you learn how to override what the mind is saying to you about your limits or inabilities. You are also putting the emphasis on doing something instead of staying stuck arguing with your mind and not getting anything done. If you can remember a time when you had a tough deadline experience but pushed through the obstacles in order to accomplish a task, moments like those can teach us we are capable of withstanding much more than we give ourselves credit for and they can remind us of what is possible when we don’t give up. Take a moment to think about a time you achieved something despite a worrisome deadline; note how you were able to achieve the goal despite the pressure. Notice if it was possible to let go of some desires to be perfect in order to get the job done. Is there anything you’d like to accomplish in the near future that you could realistically set a deadline for? Is there anyone you can tell about your deadline to establish some accountability?
does bring up our personal failures and struggles all the time, it selectively likes to leave out all the things we should be proud of.
Making a list of past accomplishments and intentionally reminding yourself of what you’ve done well is not only healthy but can lead to inspiration as you remember the strategies employed in your past successes or the circumstances that led you to strive to achieve. If you’re struggling to get started with something, you might be surprised how helpful brainstorming past successes and accomplishments can be. Take a moment to list a past accomplishment and notice all you can about the success. What did you have to overcome to accomplish your goals? What does it mean to be a person who accomplished this goal? How would you feel about a person who accomplished a similar goal? How might you encourage them to continue moving forward? Can you provide similar encouragement to yourself? 5. Seek support from others. You may not necessarily associate this tip with resiliency, but those who can lean on others during challenging times tend to withstand the challenges much better. A healthy, active support system can provide strength, encouragement, and insight when facing hardships and can provide you with the opportunity to assist others when they may be experiencing tough times as well. In fact, social connection and support has been scientifically proven to extend our lives. This may take some creativity if you have been living in isolation for a while or are wondering where to start in building a support system. It may be you already have some key pieces in place and just need to reach out to them on a regular basis. You might be able to find support groups or groups consisting of those with shared interests to begin your search for supportive people to include in your life. There may be family members that tend to encourage and support you or inspire you to think more expansively about things. The good news is there are many options and even a few close supports can be incredibly helpful. Quality can trump quantity when you’re constructing your support network. Take a moment to think about the people who inspire you. What sorts of things do you admire about these people? What qualities do you appreciate? How can you embody these characteristics in your interaction with others? Where might you go to meet new people and connect in meaningful ways? Who can you reach out to today who has been supportive in the past that you already know? You can start reclaiming your life today Dealing with depression is challenging; getting started is often the most difficult part. Even if you're suffering from depression in significant ways, utilizing some or all of these simple tips can put you on the path toward building resilience in your life. For more on ways to cope with depression, check out my blog post about 5 Things to Understand if You’re Dealing with Depression. For additional support check out the workbook: The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Move Through Depression and Create a Life Worth Living.
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AuthorI am a therapist in private practice working to assist those struggling with self-doubt, guilt/shame, addiction, anxiety, depression, and grief to decreasing the struggle with internal distress and commit to actions that move them closer to the things they value most. Archives
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